Watch out everyone, the world is going to hell. If you aren’t nodding your head in agreement then you’re a jackass and haven’t been paying attention to the world around you. Here’s why the world we all love and adore is going to hell.
Crocs are the worst invention since sin itself. The truth is that Crocs were invented by Adam and Eve right before eating the apple, and you thought everything the Bible taught was the complete truth. The thing that the Bible doesn’t tell us is that the invention of Crocs was the very first sin, the sin that got them booted from Eden. Of course God didn’t know about this sin, so when he found out he created some goofy story about an apple. Are apples truly that evil compared to Crocs? I didn’t think so. What makes this even worse is they try to spruce up their evil with a thing called Jibbitz. What the hell are Jibbitz you ask? They are these stupid looking things you stick in the holes of the crocs, and are usually Disney themed. It doesn’t stop there, there’s also Croc Butter, a kind of shoe shine for that foam your shoes are made of. First off, why the hell would anyone shine foam? This is when things start getting out of control; they have different styles of Crocs. It’s not just the one style anymore, the Beach Croc; no I saw twenty-three styles on one webpage. Here are the styles that I found most annoying.
· The Professional—apparently this one is for “professionals,” the thing that makes me so angry about these ones is, anyone who wears the stupid things to their job is far, far from professional, so name the damn things something else jackass!
· The Off Road Crocs—these ones look just like the original ones, just with a different sole, oh they also have the “Turbo Strap,” another sinful invention of Adam and Eve. The Turbo strap is an extension to the regular strap that makes it stronger for all those outdoorsy adventures you’ll be going on. This shoe offers no protection whatsoever, so if you were going to climb up a rock or a staircase, these shoes would easily fall off leaving you helpless to the gravel and broken glass in your path.
· The Mary Jane—the name for this one is brought on by the fact that you’d have to have smoked a shit load of Mary Jane to think that these shoes have any class. The worst part, they are great for formal occasions, well I’m sorry but if you came to my wedding sporting fluorescent orange or camouflage Crocs I’d kill you.
· The Endeavor—what made Crocs so great, and I use great loosely, is that fact that they allow your feet to breathe, well the Endeavor takes the classic Beach Croc look and loses those pesky holes, so you can still look like a jackass AND have feet that smell like mold.
· Hydro—a waterproof Croc, soon made pointless when you notice the holes still exist. Perfect for water! Oh and did I mention that they float? Yes, that’s right they float. Why the hell do they float? Will they float with my feet in them? Apparently so. The thing with these ones is that they are the shoes Jesus wore when he walked on water. Neat huh?
· The Mammoth—are Crocs solution to winter. They have fleece outlining your kankles, oh and the best part is the fact that they still have the holes! I love Crocs because I never thought that I could buy a shoe for winter, whose purpose was totally defeated by itself.
Crocs also invented knee pads and a thing called the Kneeler, why? So your knees won’t hurt when you’re down there on your knees sucking a man’s penis, because that’s what you’re doing whenever you buy Crocs. Don’t believe anything I’ve said about these styles, or maybe you want to suck a dick, go to http://www.crowneys.com/.
The second reason the Earth is going to hell is “Mom Pants.” “Mom pants” are worn above the naval somewhere between your heart and your nose. But why haven’t we seen anyone wearing these pants? Well it’s because they aren’t back in style yet. Pants have gotten lower and lower over the years, now girls aren’t even wearing pants; they are just walking around pantless. So why do I bring up “Mom Pants?” Well because it’s about time they come back into style. Here’s a short history lesson, back in 1977 people were experimenting with drugs and sex, for the next three years there was a huge outbreak of prostitution and STDs that terrorized the world. Finally “Mom Pants” came out and people just stopped having sex all together, no babies were born for five years afterwards. Well you might be asking, “Well Xander…isn’t it good that the pants saved the world from being terrorized by prostitution?” Well one would think that was the case, but in reality, Satan made the pants so there would be less people on the earth, why would Satan want less people on earth? So his job is easier, with less people he could tempt people for longer periods of time, if there were more people he couldn’t spend enough time with one person. Make sense?
The third reason and probably the scariest, Jesus isn’t coming back. Hell rises and THEN Jesus is supposed to comes back to save us all. Well the thing is, Jesus’ ancient money is worthless, or will be once Satan takes over. I mean what could Jesus buy if his money is worthless? So I’ve decided to make this shirt.
I’ll see what I can do about getting these made and priced.
The fourth reason the world is going to hell is the fact that People like Britney Spears dominate our media. How will we know when that damn Antichrist shows up when all we see or hear about is that crazy whore Britney Spears? Which leads me to my next point, the Antichrist is already here. She’s already dominated the world with her crazy antics, is it any coincidence that she only has four friends Paris, Lindsay, and those whores, the Olsen twins and that there are only four horsemen who lead the apocalypse.
The fifth reason is that sexual predators are evolving. It has become really hard for them to get children nowadays, so they have started to look like cute animals. Don’t believe me? Look at this picture,
Also the show “To Catch a Predator” hires these people to work behind the scenes, I’m pretty sure these people are child molesters…just look at them. How can you catch a predator when they all work for you Dateline, answer that one for me!
Why is all this happening? Why is the world becoming so evil? Perhaps it’s those new Cheetos commercials; you know the one, where the guy sees his co-worker’s cubicle is neat so he smashes Cheetos all over the guys stuff. Or that lady who puts the Cheetos in the washing machine with the other ladies white clothes, yeah, those commercials, maybe that’s why the world is going to hell, and to think that you loved Cheetos. More like Cheesy Satan sticks!
Here are some horrible acts of Evil caught on tape.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=XHTIOIE1HGI
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lsbF69hgLpA
http://youtube.com/watch?v=Ph9HIkxyLqk
http://youtube.com/watch?v=8aZ83kJz2uc
http://youtube.com/watch?v=bAe17PeVewM&feature=related
http://youtube.com/watch?v=8Wey6X7gG4Y&feature=related
http://youtube.com/watch?v=hTkSlJRprAc&feature=related
http://youtube.com/watch?v=kHY6kxmRnJg&feature=related
